Double Dare 40,000

Found this old story on Lexington’s site.  I wrote it when bored at work.  Enjoy!

(wa-na na!)

Marc Summers: On your mark!

(Wa-Na-Na!)

MS: Get set…GO!

Announcer: Watch as these two teams of tiny titans duke it out in the super-sloppiest battle for the fate of the galaxy in the 41st Millennium. It’s Double Dare 40,000!

A Guardsman, a Fire Warrior, and an Eldar Guardian, in red jumpsuits fire a spray of brightly colored seltzer at a Space Marine in a red jumpsuit with a funnel on his head. On the other side of the blue tiled room, a Necron, a Chaos Space Marine, and a Dark Eldar fire at an Ork with a funnel on his head, all wearing blue jumpsuits. The Double Dare theme blares in the background as Mark Summers shouts out what happening.

MS: Looks like the read team is doing good, and the blue team is doing better! Just have to get the soda past the line! Oh, the Ork is leaning back. He’s trying to catch the soda in his mouth! No, you have to get it past the line in the bucket! Well now he’s drinking from the bucket. Not a very good strategy! *buzzer sounds* OH! The red team wins! Let’s start the show.

Both teams go over to their podiums as Genestealers clean up the mess.

MS: Welcome to Double Dare 40,000! I’m your host, Mark Summers. Let’s have a round of applause for the red team, The Goody Two Shoes! *audience applauds* and the blue team, The Evil Kinevels! *more applause* Now to explain the game for the viewers at home. We ask a question to one team. They can either answer it, or if they think the other team doesn’t have a clue, they can dare them to answer it for double the amount. But be careful, because they can double dare you back for four times the amount. Then you can either answer or take the Physical Challenge. Goody Two Shoes, you won the opening challenge, here’s your first question. What are the three names of the defense stations around Armageddon?

The Red Team confers with each other.

Guardsman: Dare!

MS: Alright Evil Kinevels, what…

Ork: DUBBA DARE!

Chaos Marine: Moron! I knew that one!

MS: OK, Goody Two Shoes, do you have an answer?

Space Marine: Dante, Mannheim, and Yarrick.

MS: That’s right for two hundred Imperial Credits!

Ork: ARGH! Dat’s no fair! Dey woz supposd ta take da fizukul challunge!

MS: Next question, when can you re-roll a re-rolled die?

They confer again.

Eldar: When a master crafted weapon stacks with a psychic power?

MS: Ooooh, no, I’m sorry. The answer is: never.

Ork: HAR HAR HAR!

MS: Evil Kinevels, control goes to you. What three loyalist legions were slaughtered at the Istvaan drop site massacre?

They confer.

Dark Eldar: Dare.

MS: Alright Goody Two Shoes, Which Legions?

Tau: Double Dare.

MS: Evil Kinevels, do you have a…

Ork: FIZUKUL CHALLUNGE!

Genestealers drag out a bizzare apparatus.

MS: OK, Necron, you sit here.

Necron: …

MS: Now, the Necron will toss these slime-filled balloons to the Dark Eldar, who will catch them with this funnel that pops them and catches the slime. You then pour the slime into the Chaos Marine’s bucket, and he hands the bucket to the Ork, who pours it into the container up top. If you can fill the container to the line in 60 seconds, the bucket will empty on the Necron. Ready? GO!

The Necron initially has a tough time aiming, and the Dark Eldar gets slimy, but they establish a rhythm, and the Ork laughs mightily as the Necron is slimed just before the buzzer.

MS: WOW! We’ll be right back after these messages.