Home Fires – Chapter Twenty-Nine: Gambit
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Gargatok Gitsmasha was exhausted.
Not from fighting, sadly. That would have been fun. From organizing.
Being the head of a WAAAAAGH was a lot of work. Gits always wanted something. Attention. Teef. Metal. Dakka. Lads. Food. Fuel. Paint. Zoggin’ paint! As if Gargatok could go to the drops and dump a load of paint on command!
Paint was important, every Ork knew that. But sometimes you just don’t have the heart for it.
Delegation was something Gargatok had never had to do, really. His warband in the forests of Altea was small enough that if he bellowed an order, everyone would hear it or pass it along right quick. Now there were lads all over the planet and in orbit that needed orders all the time.
Orks, however, have a wellspring of knowledge in their genetic material to draw on. As he smashed the faces of lads who bothered him over trivial things, his brain adapted. New connections were automatically generated. Gargatok learned who was good at what, and made them do that.
The WAAAAAGH, stalled for weeks, was now advancing again. This should have pleased Gargatok.
It didn’t.
He hadn’t been in a fight since dispatching Thraknar. He felt twitchy, like a Speed Freek who ran out of gas. What he needed was a really good fight. Against Beekies. Something to secure his legend.
Then, as if delivered by Mork and Gork himself, the Humie King appeared. Gargatok hadn’t seen the weedy git since he had prevented Rokface Bonespitta from burning him from the inside out with balefire. Puny runt was probably too scared to show his face. But now he was back. With that same punchable grin.
“Hail to you, Gargatok Gitsmasha, lord of Altea and the Karaman Nebula. I bring news from the city. The defenders are desperate, and ready to crack!” the Humie King said with such gusto that Gargatok stopped wanting to punch him briefly.
“Zat so?” Gargatok said with the most energy he had felt in days.
“Oh, indeed, my mighty friend. You see, the most puzzling thing happened this morning. I was in my tent, being well cared for by the generous minders you apportioned to me. Suddenly, I felt the need for a brisk constitutional, as is my royal proclivity. As I walked about, I noticed a voice speaking my own language. I thought, perhaps, one of my subjects had been captured by your tough and capable lads. However, I was mistaken! I…”
“SHADDUP AN’ GET TO DA POINT!” Gargatok bellowed.
“Ah, yes, well, I heard a vox transmission from one of your vehicles. It’s across all bands. I thought you should hear it.” The Humie king clapped his hands twice and one of his minders brought in a talkie-box. The king turned it on.
“…cast your broken body at the feet of your feeble Orks. Come and fight me, Gargatok Gitsmasha. I’m waiting. Message repeats. This is a challenge to Gargatok Gitsmasha, from Captain Antonius, leader of the Azure Flames Astartes. My chapter has kept your pathetic forces at bay, but I desire an end to this. You are too weak to fight me. I shall wait for you in the canning district. Face me here, and I will cast your broken body at the feet of your feeble Orks. Come and fight me, Gargatok Gitsmasha. I’m…” the Humie King turned off the talkie-box.
“As you can hear, the usurpers are so desperate that they think you will go and fight this ‘Captain Antonius’ instead of taking the city the way you intended.” The Humie king said through deep belly-shaking chuckles. “Imagine that, thinking they can end this war with one fight. What foolishness.”
Gargatok roared in fury so loudly that everyone in attendance took a step back.
“DIS WEEDY BEEKIE GIT WANTS A FIGHT? HE GOTS IT! WE’S GONNA STOMP HIM GOOD! WAAAAAAAAAGH!” Gargatok screamed. Everyone echoed but the King. After the ruckus died down, the king spoke again.
“I had no idea you felt this way, mighty Gargatok.” He turned to his minders. “The maps of the city, if you would be so kind, Grutz.” One of the minders with him produced a tube, from which a squig-vellum roll was brought. The king laid it out. “The transmission said the canning district. That would be… here.” He said, pointing. “Be warned, the defenders will not cede this lightly.”
“Dere ain’t no duh-fenders. Dere’s jus’ humies wot don’t know they’s DEAD!” Gargatok spat.
“Well said, O indefatigable one. May I make a request?”
Gargatok grunted. “Whatchu want, humie king?”
“This is the moment of your ultimate triumph. If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to be at your side. It will be the most glorious victory. I wouldn’t miss it.”
Gargatok bellowed a deep laugh. “HAH! You any good in a fight?”
“Not as such, no, but my minders are exceptionally skilled. They should be able to dispatch even the heartiest of foes for me.”
“Las’ fing I need is a puny runt like you wif me, but if’n ya got yer own lads ya kin come.”
“Thank you, my lord.”
“Yer, wotever. Jus’ stay outta my fight. Dat Cap’n Antonius is MINE.”
Gargatok thought that, for a second, the king grinned like a grot with a fresh squig. “Of course.” He said with a deep bow.
Hmmmmm…